Flash lit the lonely hill on which a strange building stood. The darkness came back with thunder followed by the first drops of the rain. It was a creepy and uninviting hill, no one ever dared to climb it, and that’s how Mad Scientist wanted it. He was working in an underground lab, it was a third night without sleep, he never had much of it anyway, and now when he was so close, it would be a crime on science to just nap like all those mere mortals sleeping every day when there is so much to learn.
He put new samples under the microscope and adjusted lenses. He looked long at the sample and while he gazed, his eyes widened. He finally took his eyes off a microscope and then looked at the little ball of green substance only with his eyes, like to ensure it was possible what he just saw. Then he looked nervously at the charts in his hand and finally at the big blackboard covered with strange equations.
Then he looked again through the microscope and he was finally certain.
- I found it! I got it! Yes – he cried aloud even though there was no one else to hear him.
Rain poured heavily over the hill and lightnings struck violently around, but deep under the strange looking building only mad laughter could be heard.
A few months later…
When the clock hit nine am, a sudden noise of alarm playing Abba filled the bedroom in a small but cosy house in the suburb of Bannica. Pink Flamingo awoke from long and restful sleep. He looked around, the morning was warm and sunny. He didn’t turn off the alarm but let the music finish before leaving the bed.
By nine thirty he was finishing his beauty routine in the bathroom and hot coffee was awaiting under the express, dripping slowly - drop by drop - a fragrant liquor. At ten he was finishing a bagel when the phone rang. It was his pal, Golden Goat.
- Yo man whadda doin?
- Haii sista, just finishing my bagel, what’s up?
- Bro we have to hang out. I just got new stuff.
- I don’t know hon, last time at the club I flew a little too close to the sun…
- Bro just good green trust me, it’s probably the most chilling out stuff you ever get.
He was struggling for the moment reviewing plans for today. Quick pretend-jog around the town, then ice latte with no sugar then quick brunch with some friends at Rainbow Café followed by blundering around with another ice latte with no sugar and maybe movies.
- Geee idk, I have so much to do today…
- Trust me bro you’ll love it.
- Ok. – Pink set up his mind.
- At the park?
- Sure, see you soon, hon.
*
Sun was rising high when they met in the park. Suburbs of Bannica were green indeed, wherever the street ended you could rest on a bench in a park or take a walk over river or some pond. Goat was already sitting on a bench with a view over the small lake, when Flamingo approached with his high fashion runway walk.
- Hai sis, whada?
- Yo bro, cool, look at this – Goat presented a bag full of weed. Flamingo took it with his winghand,
- It’s almost blue…
- Yeah, they call it Blue Zombie.
- Lol, why?
- Cause it chills you out so much, you feel like a zombie.
- Gee idk… All right let’s roll.
Golden Goat pulled from his bag the best, 1 ¼” All Organic, Hemp Rolling Bannacis Papers, prepared a reasonable amount of weed and did the Thing. It was a decently looking joint. He handed it to Flamingo
- Do the honours man, let’s ban!
Flamingo looked at the joint with sudden doubt.
- You know what? You try it, you know how I am with new things…
Goat shrugged his shoulders, lit the joint and inhaled. He kept it for a while and then puffed, coughed and bleated – meeee – then his eyes turned first red but then blue.
Flamingo looked with worry – Oh man this doesn’t seem good, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find home after this…
- No bro it’s good, it’s the best… meeee – he started bleating uncontrollably which startled Flamingo even more
- Ummm, you good? I’ve never heard you bleating except this one time… you know.
But the Golden Goat was no longer available to respond, because he started to choke, then fell from a bench on the ground and started to turn blue. Which brought Pink totally to panic.
- Holy shit sis, this doesn’t seem good, I bet it’s gluten or genetically modified… I better call the doctor.
And then Goat started to change even more, he was already blue but then his face started to shift and his horns hide. And suddenly he wasn’t a goat but…
- Zombie! – cried Flamingo – Zombies this season?
And then the zombie gained consciousness and looked at the flamingo with hunger in his blue eyes. He tried to say something but as we all know, zombies aren’t much of a talker so he only uttered – ass.
- Ass? – Asked Flamingo, and then realization came – Oh no, ass zombie!
- Ass – he uttered again and started to crawl in the direction of his pink friend.
- Oh no, no, no! There will be no ass for you! We’ve had a pact! – Flamingo stood from the bench and grabbed his bag. Zombie started to get up uttering again and again this one word… Flamingo made a few steps back but Blue Zombie was following him. So he did one thing he always does when someone unwanted extends his hands in this direction. He gripped his bag, adjusted his stance and took a big swing.
The bag landed perfectly on the left cheek, thrown with experience of many nights spent in clubs. Zombie fell on the ground again but it didn’t seem to bother him, cause he started to crawl again.
- This is haute couture! If I break it on your stupid head you owe me! – Flamingo had less and less ideas of what to do. He was considering just running but then he heard something strange. It was the noise of an engine, but cars weren’t allowed in the park!
And then he saw a strange vehicle. It was a big van with many aerials and containers on the roof. It rode straight towards them and stopped almost touching his long beak. From the vehicle came out even stranger character. He had long messy and standing white hair, lab robe and goggles. In one hand he was holding a small bong and in another strange looking weapon. He took a big puff from the bong, exhaled and then smoothly aimed in the direction of petrified with confusion flamingo. When he fired a beam of green light came out, passed next to Pink and hit a crawling zombie.
- Ha! Got ya! – screamed Mad Scientist and took another one from the bong. – this one almost catched you!
Flamingo shaken out his confusion, looked at the zombie lying on the ground.
- Hey, I hope you didn’t kill him! He’s my friend!
- Easy, it’s my stonner 2000, get it? I made it from a deep sleep weed…
- All right I have no idea what you are talking about mister…
- call me Mad.
- Lovely and accurate, call me Pink. So I have no idea what you are talking about, but my friend just tried to consume me…
- Any particular part?
Pink stood silent for a while and then said, - nah. And by the way, how did you find us?
- With science of course. And I’ve been looking for you cause hmm it’s possible he became a zombie because of me…
- What?
Scientist wasn’t even ashamed – did he smoke blue looking weed?
- Just before he turned into a zombie. He got it from you?
- Yes, I’ve been working on the most chilling weed in the universe and I believe I achieved my goal, but it’s so strong people turn into zombies.
- Didn’t you test it first? On rats or something.
Scientist looked at Flamingo with disgust – Rats? I’m vegan. Either way, my experiment was a success, I exceeded any expectations.
- Success? What’s the point of smoking the strongest weed if it turns you into zombie?
- Semantics. But I know we cannot leave it like this. Let’s pack your friend on the van, I’ll try to find a cure.
They grabbed a zombie that used to be a goat and then, troubling thought slipped into the flamingo's mind, - Mad?
- Yes?
- To how many people you gave this weed.
- Hmmm – Mad Scientists began to wonder – let me check my app, this one was the first I decided to check on. – He grabbed his phone, clicked for a while and then looked at Pink with a stone face. – ten thousand people already got it.
- Whaaat? But how?
- Well when I got the first seeds I used this guy's weed field to plant a few acres and then I used this app to distribute it to whoever wants it in exchange for feedback…
And while he was explaining, from the bushes emerged another zombie, with a joint still in it’s mouth. It started walking towards them and soon after another came and then another.
- Pack your friend – Mad shouted and started shooting at zombies. They fell to the ground, but new ones appeared too soon. And then Flamingo noticed that new zombies come from every direction. They were slow but many.
- Quick! To the Science Mobile! – Shouted scientists. They both got inside just to get totally surrounded by zombies. Scientist pushed a button and said,
- Indica!
- Yes Mad? – Answered the Vehicle to flamingo's surprise.
- Initiate defence mode.
- Defence mode initiated. – Vehicle responded in synthesize voice. Interior got red, windows got covered by steel and big screens emerged to show view from every angle of the car. They were totally surrounded by tens of zombies. But then from every side of vehicle strange cannons emerged and started shooting.
- I hope you’re not killing them!
- Nah, just stunning. – Mad answered and then took a big puff from his bong. – You want some?
- What is that anyway?
- My personal mix, I made it to enhance my cognitive functions and creativity. It also keeps you awake for like a few days…
- Nah, I think I’ll pass.
Scientists took a few more puffs and then grabbed a wheel. – All right, let's ride! Indica!
- Yes?
- Initiate: we ride through apocalypse mixtape.
From the loudspeakers came first notes of “Welcome to the Jungle”, Scientist stepped on a gas pedal and they set off with immediate speed, running through the crowd of zombies.
- Please, try to avoid them! They are just innocent stoners! – Flamingo cried, really concerned with the lives of every being on this planet.
- Sure, sure.
- So, where are we going?
- I don’t know yet, I need to smoke more – so he took another few puffs. – Let’s get back to my lab, I’ll be able to do some research there!
But when they got out of the park a real problem occurred. Streets were swarming with zombies. In their eyes they saw some innocent jogger trying to run away from them, stumbling and falling. She finally got caught by zombies. They grabbed her and one of them just forced her by putting a smoking joint in her mouth. The girl was screaming which was a mistake, because then she had to inhale and with air she inhaled smoke also…
- Oh ma, it really is the apocalypse… - Flamingo was devastated, - where now I get my iced latte…
- Och don’t worry about that, - said Scientists, - Indica!
- Yes?
- Iced latte!
Something behind one of the screens was rumbling for a while and then a cup of perfectly made iced latte emerged.
- Oh my! In that case I have nothing against a little government overthrow! But what about him – Flamingo pointed at his unconscious zombie friend.
- We must get to my lab but I’m still unsure how… - Scientist took another puff – revelation still didn’t come.
Then Flamingo realized where they were.
- Can you at least get there – he pointed at the house they were standing in front of - it’s my house.
- Sure, Indica! Initiate road swiping.
He then again stepped on the gas pedal. From the front of the car big brooms emerged swiping zombies away. – Indica! Hack the garage door.
- Hacking.
It took a few seconds and the garage door was opening. They drew a lot of attention so all the cannons were shooting around, but there were always new zombies to shoot at, more and more.
- I have a garage door pilot here, you could have asked… - Flamingo started a little angry. – By the way, what you gonna do with my cabrio?
- Indica! Disintegrate – Scientists commanded and from the front of the car came out a beam of bright light which hit the brand new cabrio Flamingo bought. Car shined for a while and then turned into a pile of dirt.
- Whaaat! What did you do?
- I changed the subatomic structure of your car to make way for mine, we have no time for this – Scientist took another puff – I’ll get you a new one when this is over.
They got in and Indica closed the garage door.
- We don’t have much time, your house isn’t made to withstand the siege…
- I know I know, let’s grab a few things. - Flamingo opened the car door and was about to get out but then he heard someone wake up on the bag. It was a zombie goat. Scientists grabbed his stonner 2000 and pointed at the zombie
- Wait! Don’t stun him! I have a better idea! – Flamingo rushed to look for something in his house and came back with a leash and collar.
- Oh, you have a dog? I like dogs! Where is he? – Scientists was about to look for a dog but Flamingo stopped him,
- There is no dog man… just don’t ask.
- Umm, ok.
Pink put a collar around the zombie's neck, attached the leash and dragged him through the garage.
- I will tie him to the radiator… and pack a few things.
- Better hurry. – Mad was searching for something on the back of his car – we might gonna leavefast. Haha! Got it! – he pulled big gun with many barrels. – That will trim the bushes!
While the scientist was looking through the windows in the living room Flamingo packed his bags. – should I take a backpack or suitcase?
- Backpack!
- Okay.
Zombies finally took interest in their house.
- They are coming – cried scientists preparing his gun.
- Ready! Flamingo came out from his room with a big backpack and also a stylish bag on his shoulder.
- Take this, I have my big baby – Scientists handed Pink stonner 2000, opened the window and started shooting – get some!
So the Flamingo got to the next window and opened fire to a swarm of zombies approaching his house. They started shooting but with every stunned zombie a new one came. – We won’t hold them for long! Better get the zombie into the car – Scientist shouted and then got back to shooting. So flamingo untied the leash and started to drag his friend through the living room.
- Come on boy.- While he was dragging a zombie he heard a loud noise coming from the back of the house followed by the noise of shattered windows. – Hey doc? I think they got in!
- Use your gun! I’m covering the front!
So Pink dragged his goat friend again through the house and almost bumped into a zombie coming from his room. He pointed the gun and fired away, the intruder fell on the floor. – Get out of my house you daysmokers! – But there were too many of them, coming from the kitchen, bathroom, even from the attic! Flamingo backed out, tappet scientist on the shoulder,
- Let’s run doc! – but it was too late. Somehow zombies got out also from the garage, they were pushing to the living room from every direction.
- Last stand my boy! Get behind couch! – they made fort behind couch in the corner and started shooting madly. Scientists was making breaks to take big puffs from the bong and laughed madly. – Killed by my own invention! Yes! Yes! – He screamed maniacally while putting down waves of zombies – Fallen on the ground of research! Yes! I will become immortal! Everyone will remember me! My biggest failure – my greatest success! – He took another one and started coughing so he added only between coughs – suck it up, khe khe, Sklodovska!
And when there was no hope, when zombies almost got them, Flamingo noticed a rapid cloud of white smoke get inside the house. It covered the zombies and the most bizarre thing happened - they started to hiss and choke. Then sudden panic got them and they ran away, storming out through the windows, doors, every way they could. Pink could hardly keep his friend on the leash who went suddenly crazy.
- What the hell just happened? – asked Flamingo.
- It wasn’t me – responded Scientist.
- It was I – they heard voice and then strange smoke disappeared and from it emerged a lizard wearing a pointy hat and holding a bong. It had red eyes, white beard and levitated over the floor.
- I am called Blissssfulll Łeezard – he said with hissing voice
- Blissful Lizard?
- Łeeezard!
- Yuezzard?
- Łeeezard!
- Okay mister Liiizard, but how? – Scientist asked with suspicious voice.
- Ssssimpllle ssspell – he answered like it was really nothing – I created ssmoke that carries the most dreadful fragrant to every baked person.
- And what is that fragrant may I ask? – Scientist as all scientists was very sceptical about any magic or religion. And when this magic appeared to be working he was even more hostile.
- What fear every stoner has embedded deep in their minds? – Lizard asked rhetorically – Fear of getting caught by their mom! So I gathered scents that get connoted with moms all over the word and created this fragrant… All popular lotions every mom uses, fresh coffee and all those disgusting oriental teas with cinnamon and all.
- Genius! – Flamingo was very impressed, he looked at Mad – hey and to think you didn’t work this out!
- I would! I just never really bothered to care about those simple things…
- We don’t have much time! I had only one sssspel! Let’s get out of here.
- To the science mobile!
So they packed their things again and prepared a van to set off. When they were ready Flamingo asked,
- But how did you find us?
Lizard took a big puff, - It’s my bong, it gives me magic powers and also visions. I have seen the apocalypse and it showed me who caused it. So I came to help you find a cure.
- Thank you but we can manage, science has all the answers – Scientist was very pissed off.
- Hey doc, just remember it was your science that got us here, so we need all the help we can get. – Flamingo started to get annoyed by Mad being so full of himself.
- All right, all right! You’ll see, by the end of the day you will regret taking this magic lizard with us.
- Łeezałd!
- Yeah…
*
When they got in the car, another problem occurred. How to get out of suburbia. This time it was Mad’s turn to shine. When flamingo opened the garage door swarm of zombies flooded into, but they were pushed away by a big sonic wave. Car managed to get out, yet the streets were too crowded to gain momentum. Fortunately, with cover of cannons they had enough time for car to pull out big rotators and lift a few meters above the ground,
- We can stay at this altitude for like thirty minutes, then we completely run out of power…
- I could levitate for daysss,
- Yeah, but you are addicted to weed reptile weighing no more than fifty kilos, this is a few tons of steel and science.
It was already clear that this little competition of magic and science won’t end soon. Fortunately – as Pink Flamingo noticed – it was rather stimulating for those two to compete and come with better solutions.
- Where are we going? – Pink asked,
- To my lab, I need to run some tests on our blue fellow.
- That’s very thoughtful, to start tests after your product appears to be faulty.
- You are dragging your zombie friend on a leash that has a purpose I’d rather not know, you have no moral ground to judge me! – With this argument scientists ended the conversation. They flew in silence smoking from bongs and looking at flocks of zombies running below.
In the madman’s lab
They were almost out of power when the car finally landed.
- Home sweet home – shouted an excited scientist. – Indica! Activate all defence systems! – he then turned to others - You don’t have to worry, I’m prepared for every situation, even the sun collapsing.
- Umm, what would you do if the sun collapses?
- My lab can turn into a spaceship and abandon this galaxy. Everyone else will die of course but I don't really care.
They got out of the car and saw big energetic dome surrounding the hill,
- Holy moly, like in this game with the dome…
- Yep.
- So, what now?
- To the lab, let’s run some tests.
Even the coolest tests are really boring. There are a lot of samples, a lot of looking through the microscope and mixing things. Rather more interesting was muscle flexing between two old men.
-What’s that for?
- It scans your atomic structure, compares it with a database containing around ten to tenth terabytes of files to find patterns and anomalies…
- Ohhh… so it’s like getting high and speaking with elders? Or gods? Or cheese gods?
- Yeah… Something like that.
- Cool, retro.
And so they went till it was deep night. Scientists and the Wizzard were constantly arguing about the tests and flamingo wandered around. When he grew tired of sighting he went back to the lab to see how it’s going.
- Any developments?
- It sssemss your science doesn't have all the answers…
- Oh shut up, all you can do is hisss and smoke weed.
Flamingo looked at his poor friend turned into a zombie, tied in the corner of the lab. Zombie was apatic, looking at one point somewhere. But then he slowly turned his head exactly, when the lizard was blowing from the bong.
- What have you been trying to do? – Flamingo asked, still focused on the zombie.
- Reverse influence of the blue zombie weed of course! – Scientist was irritated so he grabbed his bong and also took a big puff, and the zombie again turned its head in the direction of the bong.
-Have you tried giving him weed?
It was silent for a while, then Mad said, - Weed? Please my pink friend, leave science to scientists…
But the Lizard followed Flamingo’s gaze and noticed that the zombie's sight was focused on the bong. So he approached him, took a big puff and exhaled in it’s direction. When smoke reached him he inhaled it with greed, then exhaled and said, - weeed.
- It speaks! – shouted Scientist.
- It likes weed – lizard noticed.
- Let’s try with mine! – Scientists grabbed his bong and came close to the tied zombie – mine has a special mix… - He took a big puff and exhaled in the direction of the blue guy.
Goat got covered with the smoke and started to cough, then it let out loud, - Meeeeeeee!
- It works! Weed works! – Flamingo was full of hope. Scientists stood silent for a while and then, as if he got new energy he set off and started looking around drawers while uttering to himself, - some component of my ingenious mix must affect him significantly…
He gathered around six bags of weed with different names on it and started rolling joints
– Quick! Help me! Roll joints from pure strains!
So they got to work. Soon after they had six perfectly rolled joints. They lit the first one and handed it carefully to the zombie. When it smelled weed it immediately awoke and grabbed and handed to him blunt. They waited with anticipation while a zombie was smoking eagerly, but nothing happened, it only uttered, - Weed.
- First try ended with failure. – Noted scientist – Let’s try with Lemon Skunk.
So they handed another lit joint but this one also didn’t work. And so they tried with the third one and forth. Then scientist grabbed fifth joint. – This one is the strongest, muii caliente. – He handed it to zombie, it took a few puffs and coughed rapidly.
And then, the zombie dropped the joint, fell on the ground and coughed even stronger. Then they noticed horns growing out of its head and blue complexion disappearing.
- It’s working! What is that strain doc?
- The strongest on the market, Mexican Sativa!
And then instead of a zombie on the ground laid Golden Goat, with eyes red as ever. He looked around and uttered.
- Bro… This shit is strong… I feel like I smoked six joints at once…
Quest to save the world
They were sitting around the table in the kitchen. Flamingo, Scientist, Wizard and Golden Goat. The last one was still confused after returning to previous form from being a zombie.
- All right, what do we know?
- Mexican Sativa can change zombies back into humans.
- And how much do we have?
- Almost nothing, I still need my special mix!
- So… how do we get more sativa?
- It’s going to be hard – Scientist took a big puff, exhaled and started explaining – It’s the rarest of them all… I get that only once a year, when I travel to the land south of Bannica, to the country of El Patron.
- Who?
- El Patron. Guy has the biggest plantation around. He grows Mexican Sativa but it is sawn only once a year…
- With the right ssspells and sscience we can speed up the growing process.
- Yes, yes, but it’s not the growing process I’m worried about. It’s sativa itself.
People got a little confused – What, like seed?
- Seeds of this weed are named after ancient Goddess that roams forests of El Patron. Every year they have big festival where they gather offerings for Mexican Sativa. She then blesses their lands with seeds of her weed. But it only happens once a year, and next festival is in like 8 months…
It was silent for a while. Then Flamingo said as it was totally obvious,
- Well why don’t we just go to her and ask her?
They looked at him as he was saying the earth is flat.
- Cause she’s a goddess? You don’t interrupt her slumber.
- Geee, don’t sell me this bullshit, you know how many goddesses I’ve met in the club? Once I even smoked with Madonna.
Again they sat silent looking for other ways. Then scientist took another puff from his bong and said,
- Kid is right, we have no other option.
- So, let’s pack our things…
Which wasn’t a lot. They packed a few bags of weed, a little food they had and weapons. Everyone got weapons, beside Lizard that said, he has his weed magic and that’s all he needs. They got into a science vehicle and under cover of the night, when zombies were less active they set off.
Roads outside the city were empty, sometimes wandering blue zombie happened but it was pretty easy to go around them. As usually during those long roads, conversations happened from time to time. Nothing binding and engaging. Goat was curious about last days,
- So you are saying I turned into a zombie?
- Yep.
- Cool. And now we are going to cure all other zombies?
- Yup.
- Cool… But this means that all things can go back to normal?
- Yep…- Flamingo started to get a little tired of all these questions.
- And I’ll have to go back to work?
- Yes you lazy horny motherfucker, you will have to work to have money for weed you so love to smoke
- Oh yes, weed, forget about that. It’s cool then, I can work for weed.
And it was silent again. Until new subject came up, this time out of scientists curiosity,
- So how do you do magic?
- Jussst do. I smoke my magic weed and I feel this tingling in my stomach and I can do stuff.
- Honey – Pink joined the conversation – that’s how I feel every Friday.
- But I bet you can’t do magic.
- Oh bet again, ask around, many would call this magic, things I do.
That’s how night passed. When the sun rose, they were riding through dense, green forest. And then, suddenly the trees ended and they were in the fields. Green fields.
- Is that weed?
- Yes, we are entering the lands of El Patron. But I’ll try avoiding his mansion… We have some unfinished business…
- What business?
- Well, he might blame me for ordering him to plant acres of blue zombie…
- You planted a blue zombie here?
- Where else lol? So let’s try avoiding this guy, Sativa dwells in forests in the mountains.
And so day passed on riding and avoiding El Patron. At dawn they stopped at the feet of the mountain.
- It’s somewhere here – said scientists, - take your weapons, we never know what we can face…
They started climbing. Fortunately, the sky was filled with stars and they could see the road ahead. Moon was high when they finally stopped for smoke and rest. They set camp on flat meadow. Gathered some logs, the wizard threw fireball and they all sat together and started smoking. And then they heard a demanding voice.
- What are you doing in my domain?
And to them all, this voice seemed somehow familiar.
- Arachne? - Asked Lizzard.
- Ariana Grande? – Asked Flamingo.
But it was Mad Scientist, who was right.
- Goddess Sativa! How long my ears craved to hear your voice! – He said with praise. And there she was. On the border of the meadow, standing still, tall and regal. And suddenly they knew why her voice seemed familiar. For it was demanding Latina’s voice. And they all knew it from somewhere. Either it is a music programme, soap opera or from being personally acquainted…
- Mad… - She said warmly and started walking towards the Scientists. So he came forth with haste. And when she was finally close, suddenly her face changed from “yes, you can buy me a drink” to “touch me and I’ll cut all your twenty one fingers”. She slapped him and started yelling so quickly, they couldn’t understand a word.
- I think she’s casting spell – said Lizard,
- I think she is dropping new album – said Pink.
Then she changed from Spanish to English,
- You son of a bitch, you said you’ll come back!
Even though he was struck, Mad smiled and said,
- I know, I know honey… But you wouldn’t want me if I did! You know me… Always occupied with my science…
- There is no science hotter than I am! – She shouted, but there was a significant change in her voice, like she already forgave him.
- Oh no my love, for sure there isn’t…
She then looked at him with suspicion,
- Why are you here Mad? And why you bring these mortals?
- Yes my love, unfortunately I am not only to see again your beauty…
She started again to scream in some ancient language and slapped him a few times.
- Yes, I deserved that… But we need your help. World is on the brink of apocalypse, and only your sativa can help…
She looked at him and then at the others. And then laughed.
- Ha! I see now! You just came here to show your new friends my best stuff.
Flamingo, tired with this conversation and with long walk and with apocalypse barged in,
- Okay, okay Queen! We are all too tired for you two messing around! If you are watching the news you would notice that there is no news because everyone is turned into blue zombies…
- Och… They are zombies, och my! I thought they dress like that for Lady Guga concert…
- Burn!!! – Flamingo screamed with delight - But no. We really need your help.
Sativa looked at them, still with a little suspicion. Apparently she was too used to bargaining to just let it go.
- And what’s in it for me? You think I care for some mortals? Apocalypse from time to time won’t affect me…
They stood quiet for a bit. And then goat, least suspected for this revelation, said,
- But if everyone turns into a zombie, then who will bring you gifts at your festival?
- Ha! – Scientists shouted – Goat is right! You want your believers, you have to save them!
Mexican Sativa started cursing in Spanish like she just lost a poker game.
- All right all right! – She raised one finger – but there is a condition!
Scientists sighted heavily. – What?
- When the festival in my name comes, you will throw me the best party ever.
Those conditions were no bother for Pink, who loved organizing parties – Deal! – He shouted. – We shall throw you the most epic party ever! Guys with drums! Drag Queens! Tons of weed! Latinas!
- Yes! Agreed!
- You mean yass!
Sativas and Flamingo’s excitement influenced others, they suddenly felt energized and even ready for that party after saving the world.
Then Sativa dropped her gown and they all beheld her perfect proportions. She clapped her hands and from the bushes came very small men, they could be around meter long. They wore big round hats and long moustaches, everyone had tiny instruments like guitar or maracas.
- Diego!
- Si seniora?
- Salsa!
They started to play cheerful music and Mexican Sativa started dancing. Our companions were mesmerized. She shaked every part of her body saying sometimes – rata ta ta ta!
And then, from her body, a little shining seeds started to sprout and land on the meadow. – Diego! Faster! – She shouted and Diego’s music became more frenetic.
And before they even notice, Flamingo was dancing with her, and he felt more alive than ever in the clubs. They were shaking and whirling over the whole meadow. And then Mad joined and Wizard after him. They were in trans. Golden Goat started running around and bleating. Whole forest was aroused. They only knew the starlit sky above them and green grass under their feet. And then Sativa shouted,
- Diego! Party!
And Diego abandoned his little guitar and with others disappeared for a while in bushes. And then they came back dragging big loudspeakers and a DJ console. They plugged them all together in no more than a minute and Diego started playing. It was no longer salsa, or some forgetful club music. It was a rave!
Sativa started jumping around and her sweat released fragrant so intoxicating they started jumping with her to sharp notes of up-tempo.
They were dancing in the rain of little seeds and under the spell of a weed goddess until the world became grey again foretelling sunrise. And as rapidly as it started, music ended and little men disappeared somewhere. They all fell on green grass. Last thing that Flamingo remembered was Mexican Sativa standing naked in first rays of sun and shouting,
- I bless this meadow, I bless this soil with my holy seeds. Let it be fertile, let them grow!
And then he passed into oblivion.
The catcher in the weed
When Flamingo woke up, the sun was high. He tried to stretch but it was almost impossible to move. He opened his eyes and he was no longer laying on grass, but inside something that looked like forest. He struggled to stand up and then he realized he was surrounded by two meter tall cannabis.
- Hello? – he shouted. And surprisingly close to him he heard - Here.
So he tried to go through a dense weed forest. He finally squeezed into a small glade where all the others were sitting. They looked pretty tired after last night.
- Oh my, this was crazy.
- Yup, I love to party with her but only once a year – said Mad Scientist.
- Sssoo, what’s now?
- Now you start gathering crops and bringing them down to my truck – he started explaining – and I will distill it into something even stronger.
- Weed booze?
- Nah, weed extract. It’s like essential oils or something.
- It just seems like hash…
- Oh yes, forgot the word.
- But – Goat was always a little behind with all this planning – but what for?
- I’m still figuring this out… But when we have all that hash we can somehow distribute it… Never mind, let’s worry when it’s time. And now, get to work gentlemen!
And so they started labouring. They’ve been gathering cannabis trunks and then taking it down to the science truck that was changed into a big lab. Scientist was running around, adjusting vials and burners.
That’s how all day passed. And with it a long night came. They didn’t even set up camp, just laid on weed gathered on the ground, that’s how tired they were. With sunrise they woke and resumed work. Even though it was a lot of weed, before sunset all the crops were gathered. Then it was only matter when Mad could refine all that into something more essential, which took him another night…
Finally, the sun rose again and they were ready, the car was loaded with hash. They sat all together to have another dispute,
- What now? – asked Flamingo.
- We need to somehow distribute all the hash. – Scientist started explaining, - For better results it should be delivered to all the zombies at once…
- But how?
- Geee I don’t know… we could try spraying it from a plane or something…
- Too sssslow. Maybe a spell?
- To lame.
And then Golden Goat, even though in terms of thinking he was the slowest, came with brilliant idea,
- What about we boil it in a big pot? And it becomes clouds? And then it rains?
They considered it for a while,
- Sis, you just stupid, cloud? Like on the phone?
- Shut up Pink, Goat is right – Scientists stopped flamingo ridiculing poor goat – he is stupid, that’s right, but he has the point…
- Ssso what’d you mean? We don’t use the pot?
Scientists was silent for a while, it was clear he was looking for a solution,
- Nah, we need something much bigger, like a pot but the size of a mountain…
And again, no one could come up with the right idea, until Goat, bored, started to look around, and his gaze stopped on something big on the horizon.
- What about a volcano?
They all looked at him with a mix of disbelief and amazement.
- Volcano?
- Yeah if you think about it, it looks like a pot. And it even boils…
- Stupid idea.
- No, no! It’s genius! – Mad Scientists seemed like he finally got some legendary equation. – We use volcano! We drop all the hash and the volcano burns it and smoke will cover all Bannica!
His excitement finally got to others, they cheered for a brief moment until sceptical as usual - when it wasn’t about iced latte, Pilates or listening to Cher – Flamingo pointed,
- Well, but the one over there - he waved his winghand – is asleep for like hundreds of years… gee I’ve been more active than this volcano.
- Oh that’s not a problem at all – Scientist said with pride in his voice – I can awake it with science. Actually it’s easier than making a portal gun which is like totally easy.
- You need gun to make portalsss? I just cast sspelll.
- You also lay eggs there is no way to prove superior to me.
- All right boys! You both have big balls – Pink was pretty tired of this philosophical dispute he witnessed so many times on PE lessons – more volcanoes less science vs magic shit!
To everyone’s surprise – it worked. Mad straighten, coughed and with formal tone asked,
- What do you want to know?
- How do we awaken a volcano?
- Oh that is simple. With a nuke.
- A what? – Flamingo shouted accompanied with sights of disbelief.
- A nuclear warhead. Small one, just to tingle the asthenosphere…
- And destroy all Bannica with it, you idiot! – This time our pinky bird had enough. He really grew tired of men trying to prove their points no matter the costs, either it’s awful tuning of a perfectly designed car, causing a zombie apocalypse or ending it with nuclear winter.
- I have enough of this bullshit – he started to scream – You know what? When this is over I’m keeping in touch with the lizard – he pointed at a levitating reptile high on marihuana. – you are too full of yourself! Hey here is perfect solution – Pink started mocking Scientist – lets blow up part of earths shell just to prove that I can awake fucking volcano!
- All right! All right! I’m sorry! – This time Mad really said that with remorse – I’ve had a rough childhood okay?
- So what, at least you’ve had your lab, I just sat in the closet!
- Hey! I’ve said I’m sorry!
- Guys – this time Golden Goat barged in – Let’s calm down… we all have flaws… And now, let’s figure out how to awake volcano without blowing Bannica.
They sat silent for a moment. Than, once more Blissful Wizzard blew some steam from his bong and said,
- Let’s summon a dragon.
- What – Flamingo was still in a combat mood. No one noticed, but on Mad’s face appeared a little smile coming from the realization that not only he had crazy ideas.
- Dragon. We cast spells, a dragon comes, we ask him to breathe a few times into a volcano, volcano awakes, dragon goes away. Simple.
- It’s, it’s – Pink was struggling to find the right words, - it actually seems reasonable.
- What? – This time Mad Scientists was startled – perfectly engineered and safe nuclear weapons are bad but summoning a dragon isn’t?
- Dragon’s do not wipe out entire cities.
- No? Have you heard of Erebor? No? Then ask dwarfs!
- Hey! – It was time for the Wizard to elaborate – It’s a weeed dragon! He doesn’t obliterate cities and hoard gold. Jussst weeed…
- So we need to give him weed? We need weed.
- I’ll figure sssomething… Trust me I’m a łeezałd.
There and back again, a stoners tale
And so it was settled. They started packing to set off for a volcano. The most troubling part was to get past hoards of zombies that probably now were almost everyone in the world. First hours were rather peaceful. At noon they noticed first blue creatures roaming roads, but it was still easy to evade them, a real problem occurred, when they got close to the city. There were zombies everywhere, and the shortest way was through. So they set a few adjustments.
Science car went into defence mode with cannons and all. Everyone except Mad Scientists, who was driving, got weapons to shoot through the windows.
Sun was high in the sky, noon was windless. Lonely car climbed a little hill and parked on top. Four men got out, walked to the side of the hill, from where the vast view over Bannica stretched. Whole land between them and the volcano sitting calmly on the horizon, was swarmed with blue dots of zombies.
They gazed upon them, as riders of the apocalypse measuring labours ahead. And without a world, they went back into the car. Engine started and the car set off, one more time into battle.
***
Mood in the car was grim at first. But then Mad tried to cheer them up.
- You know what? I believe we are gonna die.
- Thanks bro, that’s cool.
- And seize to exist… there will be nothing. For eternity. I mean, I will upload myself to my cloud on the car and become a lonely rider, but you… you all gonna die.
- Not me – said lizard – we lizards believe in coming back.
- As what?
- As politicians controlling governments in international conspiracy to take power over the world.
- Oh… But what I meant – Mad continued, - is that if the end is almost certain… Why do we care?
And this awoke something in Pink. He always knew how he wanted to die. Well the true version is a little too extreme to describe so just let’s call it a party. He looked around with new energy in his eyes, grabbed Mad’s bong and took one big puff.
– Yes! Let’s party, bitches! – and then he took Wizards bong and puffed another one.
His mood changed atmosphere in the car. Mad started playing “Fortunate Son” from loudspeakers, took another puff and stepped on the gas pedal.
The first wall of zombies was ahead of them, it was impossible to go around. So they accelerated, Flamingo opened the sunroof, took the biggest gun and stood up.
- Party! – he screamed his original war crime that he exclaimed every time he set off for the clubs or other social events, and started shooting.
Canons on the car joined him and in that moment, for the first time in history, someone wearing all pink, was shooting with accuracy from a six barrelled Gatling gun. Car cut through the zombies running over a few of them. Flamingo returned inside shaking from excitement – I hope at least one of them was my ex!
Rest of the journey went peacefully and in the evening they arrived at the volcano's foot. Now and then they had to deal with wandering zombies but there weren't many. Car started climbing slowly with wail of engine. First hour was the easiest, but then it got too steep, so Mad decided,
- Go out, you are too heavy. I’ll try climbing a little higher.
So the last part was a challenge. They climbed in total darkness, having only bongs to ease weariness. After another hour they found a car and Mad standing beside.
- Almost there. Last hundred meters are too steep so I’ll use fly mode to drop cargo inside. But we still need our dragon…
- On it – Said wizard and took off his robe. On his back there were many tattoos. It started with names crossed out.
Jessica, Matilda, Juliet, Brad
Then it was a big number 420 and under it tattoo of a dragon. Wizzard took big poof from his bong and dragon tattoo started shining.
- And now, the incantation… pstpstpst
- What is he doing? Summoning a dragon or a kitty? – Mad asked cynically. But the wizard didn’t care. He again took big puff and said,
- Pstpsstpst.
- Alright this is ridiculous.
But the Wizzard took one more and,
- Pstpstsps
And then they heard it. From far away, something that sounded like silent thunders, striking slowly but steadily. Blow, and then nothing. And then another blow, and silence. And finally they saw it. Sky got darker in one spot and then this new darkness started devouring stars. Silent blows turned into loud strikes and finally they were deafening. A whole part of the sky was totally covered and then they finally saw a shape. Big wings, long neck and head the size of the fire truck. It landed below them but it’s head was still higher. It exhaled and warm steam full of marihuana covered them, then the dragon has spoken,
- Whazaa motherfucker?
- Yo Blue, where your brother at – responded Blissful Wizzard adjusting his vocals to dragon’s slang.
- Chillin with da boyz, you?
- Same bro. So here’s the thing. Remember when you told me, to let you know when we have something strong?
- Yo bro I’m always up for something strong.
- Have you heard about Mexican Sativa?
- No shiit bro – Dragon was so excited he trembled and the mountain trembled with him. – You have it?
- Whole truck!
- Bro… How are we gonna smoke a whole truck?
- And here your role starts! – Wizard explained – you see where we at?
Dragon looked around. – A volcano? Oh shit, man, that’s brilliant! It was so long ago since I smoked from a volcano! Let me wake it up.
Dragon started to climb but then he stopped, - wait a minute!
- What?
- You, I know. But them? I don’t smoke with da dudez I don’t know…
- Just perfect, now I have to become friends with a dragon… - sighted Flamingo.
- Hey! Not any dragon! The Blue Dragon! – Dragon pointed out and then, in the first light of the morning they saw blue reflection on his husks. – And it’s a dragon law not to talk with strangers! My mommy told me…
- All right, - Mad Scientist was getting tired of this – Let’s get to know each other! You have three questions, then we smoke!
- Hmmm, all right. First one: Do you slay?
- You mean like dragons? – Goat started asking but then Flamingo cut in – Bitch! I always slay. Next question.
Dragon looked closely at Pink Flamingo and nodded with appreciation.
- Indica or sativa?
- My turn – said Scientist. He approached the dragon, took a big puff from his bong and exhaled it into Dragon’s nostrils – This.
Dragon inhaled the whole smoke with a little sniff and smacked his tongue like a real connoisseur – Interesting palette… six strains… yes. Hmm I accept this answer. Last one. Joint? Or bong?
They all stood silent for a while. It was a very philosophical question.
- To be honest, - started Scientist, - I use my bong cause it's effective. For science.
- And I use it for ssspels.
- But to be really honest – Flamingo looked at Golden Goat – when you have all day to spend with your friend, there is nothing better than to roll a long one with the best, 1 ¼” All Organic, Hemp Rolling Bannacis Papers.
Dragon looked at them and then he looked somewhere far away, and he stood like this for a while. And then he said, - That is correct, bro – he pulled out a perfectly rolled joint, lit it with flame from his mouth and took a big puff. And then he handed it to Flamingo.
Then Dragon climbed the volcano, stopped on the edge and started breathing fire inside. Not long after, fumes started to rise. Then Blue turned again and said – Bring it in!
So Mad Scientist got into his car, sat there for a while and then came out with a little gun. He smiled at the Blissful Wizzard and fired one shot over the top of the volcano. Bolt of green light stopped perfectly over the centre and changed into a green oval portal from which tons of hash started to pour. And then Mad started shouting like crazy.
- Science bitch! Portal gun! Look what I did with that little hash we gathered! Can your magic do that? I’m the most intelligent creature in the universe!
Hash was pouring into the volcano for over a minute and then the portal closed. They all stood shocked by the amount of weed that got there.
- Bbbut how? – asked Wizzard.
Obviously Scientist was waiting for that, cause he pulled another gun and shouted – duplicating gun motherfucker! – And laughed even harder. It took a while until Golden Goat came up with one question.
- But if you have a duplicating gun, why didn’t you use it on Mexican Sativa supply you’ve got in your lab?
Mad stopped laughing immediately after hearing this question. His face lost all expression. He just looked at the Goat and said nothing. And then the lizard laughed.
- Man, hahaha, you must be the dumbest genius I ever met. Let’s go and inhale a few tons of weed…
- Oh yes baby, let’s ban! – Flamingo shouted and rushed to sit over the edge.
They all climbed volcano and beheld. Below them there was slowly boiling lava with a big island of pure hash sinking inside. It began to release smoke, first slowly, then, when tones of hash started boiling, a big column of white smoke rose to the sky.
Blue Dragon jumped and landed on a disappearing pile of hash. Laid on it and then dipped a little into lava, like it was a bath or Jacuzzi.
- Oh yes baby, volcano pool! – He exclaimed and then closed his eyes.
Back to 9 to 5 routine
While our companions were inhaling hash fumes, a gigantic cloud rose over the volcano. It was visible from every part of Bannica, even in Bannica Space Station except everyone there was dead cause they committed suicide when all people turned into zombies.
Then, for a brief moment, the giant mushroom of smoke hanging over the world, like a tall tree when it’s cut down stays in air for this one second that seems like eternity, held only by being accustomed to heavens above, than the ground below. Then, the clouds of pure hash started to lower and they fell on Bannica at once, making the impression of the whole sky falling on earth.
If ancient Greeks would still be with us, they’d cry aloud with dread, cause they’d be certain, that Atlas fell to fulfil his duty of lifting the welkin, and finally father Uranus could once again fall into arms of mother Gaia.
Clouds of Mexican Sativa wrapped around the world, slipped into houses, laid on streets roamed by zombies, who to their own ruin inhaled deeply delicious smoke. And then, they started to change.
One of the zombies that had just been smoking joints from the trash can turned back into a grumpy granddaddy who looked around, sighted and said – I thought I was dead… what a disappointment. – And he started walking towards his home.
Far away on the farm, two zombies were chewing on growing wild cannabis and suddenly turned back into Hippie Chicken and his skunky friend – Damn bro, we did it again…
In the centre of the city one zombie turned into a very confused rhino. And then they all started to change. Shopkeepers awoke from strange dreams finding themselves in completely different parts of the town. Mothers that just moments ago were driving their kids to school suddenly awoke in stadiums and parks. They were all confused. And they all just went home. To shake off confusion, find their family, have a good night sleep to wake up early tomorrow, and just go to work.
Rise of titans
But after this small apocalypse, that rather looked like a long weekend, not all things went back on track. Some things may come to pass to never return, and new things arrive. Like from the wrestle between Gaia and Uranus titans came from, suddenly in Bannica, stirred by an uncommon mixture of science and magic, new things started to take shape.
In the fumes of an aweken volcano with the smoke coming from boiling hash mixed with the hot breath of sleeping dragon, consciousness started to form. Cloudy at first, but quickly gaining a certain shape…
And on the streets of Bannica, one certain individual didn’t just came home after awakening from slumber, but wandered streets in confusion, remembering strange dreams of being controlled by blue weed. And anger arose in that person…
But what happened to our companions? Well, they got high. Spent all day over a volcano and then just came back to routine. Pink Flamingo and Golden Goat hung out together, Mad Scientists went to his lab to make science. And even though no one would guess, Blissful Wizzard came to visit sometime, they became strange friends, those two, from the opposite universes.