CHAPTER 1: The Canned Tomato Incident

 

Panda OG watched the sun rise over Mount Bannica in the typical glorious fashion it did from his penthouse view. But for some reason, most likely the red bulging underside of his left cheek, he didn’t find it as appealing as he used to. He sat staring at his window and threw a can of peach tomatoes at it, protesting the beauty of the sunrise.

 

• Ugh! She enjoyed this view… this whole damn penthouse was her idea, I need some apple juice

 

He sauntered over to the fridge in need of apple juice. He loves his apple juice. He opened the fridge  and saw that all his apple juice had gone missing.

 

• Oh come on, there is a line Queen, you do not mess with a man’s apple juice… that’s it, I’m calling her

 

The phone rings the first time, no answer. Panda calls again, no answer. At the third time of calling, she answers. I guess the third time’s the charm.

 

Queen of Hearts (over the phone): ….

Panda OG: Hello?

Queen of Hearts (over the phone): ….

Panda OG: Hello?  Queen!

Queen of Hearts: Oh dios! It’s you! ...

Panda OG: Of course it’s me, did you delete my number already?

Queen of Hearts: My Panda bear, you’re alive…

Panda OG: What?

Queen of Hearts: I thought I lost you

Panda OG: Lost me?

Queen of Hearts: Baby I am so so so…

Panda OG: Wait, you thought I was dead?

Queen of Hearts: After I got you good with the tomatoes, you went down like a lifeless sack, Baby…  you weren’t moving

Panda OG: And you left me there?!

Queen of Hearts: I’m not a doctor

Panda OG: did you call one ?!

Queen of Hearts: Babes, you know I got a record, one more strike and I get a couple of months in county. Do you want that for me? You know how my skin gets in cramped spaces

Panda OG: (sighs) You know what, my cheek hurts too bad to carry on this conversation, but best believe that we are going to have this conversation…

Queen of Hearts: Babes, I’m sorry, how’s your face, you should ic…

Panda OG: NO! You don’t get to do that

Queen of Hearts: Do what?

Panda OG: take care of me, after leaving me to die

Queen of Hearts: oh don’t talk like that, Dios got you

Panda OG: you certainly weren’t certain of that, you thought I died, remember? Anyways, that is not even the reason I called. Where did all my apple juice go?

Queen of Hearts: About that … uhm… I know I said Dios got you and all, and He does…  He did, and I didn’t doubt that for more than a second. But… in that second, I sorta left town…

Panda OG: Wait, so after you killed me, you robbed me? Christ Queen! Jesus Christ!

Queen of Hearts: Babes, you know I don’t like you calling his name in vain like that, it is very disrespectful to my faith

Panda OG: and being a murderer isn’t?

Queen of Hearts: you’re alive aren’t you? So that’s almost murderer to you

Panda OG: don’t forget ‘thief’. Where are you?

Queen of Hearts: I’ll only tell you if you promise me that you are not mad?

Panda OG: Mad? Why would I be mad? Because you almost killed me? Emptied my fridge of my apple juice? …By the way, why did you take all of it?

Queen of Hearts: Well I thought you w…. never mind… promise?

Panda OG: no.. yeah, sure, I promise I am not mad at you, my lovely lovely Queen

Queen of Hearts: why does it sound like you’re grinding your teeth

Panda OG: I swear I am not mad! Where are you?!

Queen of Hearts: Jeez, okay, don’t yell. It doesn’t matter where I am. Let me just come to you, okay?

Panda OG: Okay, yeah. Just bring my juice!

 

Despite claiming she had left town, a part of Queen still believed that Dios did indeed “got” her Panda bear and she had spent all night waiting in a car, she drove down Mile 420 and parked by the sign that read 40 miles, she parked off the road, by the side of the Highway and tuned into the radio. She listened fixatedly, hoping and praying that she would be disappointed and not hear any reports of Panda OG over the radio.

 

When she saw her phone ring this morning she feared the worst, she thought the police had gotten a hold of his body, her paranoid mind wondered how they could have found his body so quickly. This was the same mind that thought it a prudent plan to stay tuned to the radio in case they found it quickly, she pondered:

 

• How did they find it so fast?
• No, my baby cannot be dead, not like that, we fought over soup for God’s sake
• No… no… I’m sorry for using your name in vain God but I just don’t want my baby to be gone

 

She didn’t answer the phone. The phone rang again, her mind once again failed to put itself at ease.

 

• Must be those annoying neighbours in Apartment 12c
• They probably wanted some sugar and that clutz of a rhino probably broke down the door again and saw my baby lifeless by the window
• He probably helped himself to some soup before calling the police
• I should hit him with a can of tomatoes when I see him

 

Again, she did not answer. The phone rang a third time and she finally summoned courage to answer. When she heard Panda OG’s voice over the phone, the relief she felt was enough to make her voice go numb for a few seconds.

 

***

 

Queen of Hearts and Panda OG have always had an interesting relationship. If their relationship was a TV show, it would be one penned by Shonda Rhimes. They fought, loved, laughed, fought some more, travelled, loved some more and fought some more, a lot. But, one thing you couldn’t accuse them of was not genuinely caring for each other.

In a way, they both saw each other as the final stop in their journey towards finding the elusive soulmate. They were determined and willing to stick it out to the end- No matter what. Not even a can of peach tomatoes flung across the room with brilliant precision was going to mar their love for one another. Their relationship had survived a bullet, a crossbow, an altercation with a biker gang and the uncapped toothpaste incident.

 

***

 

Queen had a fairly long drive back to Panda’s, so she turned on the radio for company:

 

Woman over the radio: … do you think the Priest will get convicted?

Man over the radio: I think he should, I mean a baby’s dead for f*ck’s sake

Woman over the radio: uhh… we’re live on air… I ,,, I would like to apologize for the inappropriate language. To all listeners out there that may have found his language offensive and inappropriate, I would like to take a moment to apologize on behalf of everyone here atBNKT 14.5.

His words are  only derivative of the topic of discussion.  In case you may have missed it or you are just tuning in, the breaking news this hour is that a Priest has been arrested for dropping a toddler on his head during a baptism procession on Sunday, yesterday …

 

Queen of Hearts: What the f…

 

Woman over the radio: … Hey, would you like to say anything to the listeners?

Man: yeah, no, yeah sorry for my language. It was a natural reaction to the incident we are currently covering and I had a similar reaction as many of you may have had. But, of course, it is part of the job to tell the news without allowing my emotions to alter the public perception of what is being delivered. I sincerely apologize for that

Woman: I think that's that. I’m sure the liste…

 

Queen of Hearts: yeah yeah, you’re forgiven radio dude, more on the breaking news (turns the radio up)

 

Woman over the radio: … think there is much to be discussed on this any further until we get more information from the police. The church is at this moment, yet to release any statement. What our sources can confirm is that the mother of the child had no interest in pressing charges or making a case of it, but seeing as a life was lost, the state police force still had to investigate matters surrounding the case…

Man: Any word on what the father thought of the matter?

Woman: Well, nothing in this report touches on that, frankly I am surprised she wasn’t more, more … more.. Uh what’s the word I’m looking for?...

Man: Upset?

Woman: Yeah! Or even more agitated…

Man: I mean, what…

 

Queen of Hearts: Faith! That's faith you unbelievers! That woman is strong, she has accepted God’s will, ella es hija de puta muy fuerte! Ella es muy muy.. Whoa (swerves out of control to a dramatic stop in the middle of the Highway)

 

… Oh my God, thank you Father, thank you Father, muchos gracias Dios!...

 

She looks at her rearview mirror and sights an unknown lemon laying in the middle of the road, she notices he’s not moving and ponders driving off. She decides to step out of the car instead after using her fingers to draw a cross on her chest. She walks towards the lemon slowly and notices he’s still alive, just curled up in the middle of the road. Without giving it another second of thought, she runs towards him and starts kicking him aggressively, he rolls away and springs up to his feet.

 

Unknown lemon: what the hell man?! Why?!  Aye!  You’re a woman, still!  What’s the big idea?!

 

She charges at him again and tries to kick him but he rolls out of the way.

 

Unknown lemon: okay stop that! That hurts

 

She starts screaming at him.

 

Queen of Hearts: Why the hell were you standing in the middle of the road?? Are you trying to get yourself killed??

Unknown lemon: I was trying to get you to stop, I was trying to hitch a ride, my peel broke down (points to his peel  ]typical ride for lemons in Bannica])

Queen of Hearts: In the middle of the road??

Unknown lemon: I was trying to get your attention?

She charges at him again, he rolls over to the other side of the road.

 

Unknown lemon: Wait..wait…wait, stop that! I’m sorry for raising my voice. Please, stop kicking me. I’m sorry, but it looked like you were having a conversation with someone in the car so I really needed you to see me. I have been standing by the side of the road for hours now. Who were you talking to? I don’t see anyone else in the car …

Queen of Hearts: that is none of your business. If you weren’t dead then why did you lay still in the middle of the road?! God! Who does that? I was losing my mind walking towards your body!

Unknown lemon: I was scared and … wait… if you thought I was dead, how was your first response when you found out I wasn’t to kick me?

 

 

She charges at him, He rolls out of the way across the road.

 

Unknown lemon: please stop doing that. Look, I'm sorry. But I am a long way from Bannica, I am also a long way from the next town and Mile 420 literally goes on for another 400 miles! (pointing at the sign that says 20 miles to Bannica)  can you please give me a ride back into town?

Queen of Hearts: you know what, I will. But let me make a quick phone call in private. Why don’t you go get your things from your peel?

Unknown lemon: Really?

Queen of Hearts: yeah! Absolutely

 

He walks back to his peel to pack up his bags. He rummages through his cluttered passenger seat looking for his phone and suddenly hears the sound of a car driving off. He turns around to see that she has driven off.

• Damn! What an ass.

 

Queen of Hearts: (talking to herself as she speeds off) What an ass!

 

She turns the radio back up but the news segment is over, the station is currency playing the new Billie Eilish song - Happier than ever. She turns it up.

 

• This is my song! ..give me a day or two, to think of something clever mmhh mmhh mmhh I knew when I asked you to be cool mmh mmh mmh mmh mmh

 

She finally arrives at the parking lot of Panda’s apartment building. She packs up the rest of the apple juice into a bag and heads into the lobby elevator. The elevator door opens and Green Rhino walks out.

 

Green Rhino: Hey Queen, looking beautiful as always

Queen of Heart: 6c

Green Rhino: you know, the name’s Green Rhino

Queen of Hearts: Gee, no brain cells were strained in coming up with that one

Green Rhino: Feisty, mmhhm

 

She walks into the elevator as he turns around and watches her walk in. She gives a look of irritation as the elevator door shuts. She lives with Panda OG on the twelfth floor, in apartment 12b, which is one of the 3 penthouse apartments that occupy the whole of the twelfth floor. 12a is unoccupied and 12c is Green Rhino’s. She worries about what she would say to Panda when she walks in through the door. They have had a lot of fights but none of them ever led to physical harm being inflicted on the other by either of them. She decides to act natural as she walks in through the door.

 

• Baby, I’m back!
  

CHAPTER 2: Relationship Road Trip

 

There was always a pattern to their fights. It was all too predictable and expected at times. After every fight they had, the aggressor always got the silent treatment from the other person. The silent treatment typically lasted a few days or sometimes a whole week. The wronged party usually eased out of the silent treatment phase with  exaggerated sluggishness because post fight periods are where you can get anything done for you by the aggressor, if you play your cards right. Despite deciding to ‘act natural’ Queen knew she would have her work cut out for her this time.

 

But, to her surprise, Panda was over it and had made plans. Serious plans.

 

Queen of Hearts: Baby, I’m back!

Panda OG: Hi, did you bring back the apple juice?

Queen of Hearts: yeah, want one?

Panda OG: Yes please

Queen of Hearts: Okay, let me just place the rest in the fridge and I’ll bring one over to you

Panda OG: Umm, why not just set the rest over on the counter and come over? We need to talk

Queen of Hearts: that doesn’t sou… okay

 

Queen walks over to the couch, hands over the apple juice to Panda OG, he hands her a flier in return.

 

Queen of Hearts: What’s this?

Panda OG: Read it

Queen of Hearts: Couples’ therapy? Really? You want to do this

Panda OG: Yeah, I don’t like how we fight. I love you, a lot and my cheek hates me a lot for saying that, but I do and I don’t see why we shouldn’t try to work through this

Queen of Hearts: Oh baby! (she hugs him and starts showering him with kisses) I love you too!

Panda OG: I know, I know you do, but we need to take this seriously okay? I don’t want to be in an abusive relationship with you, okay?My eye hurts a lot (tears up a bit)

Queen of Hearts: Are you crying?

Panda OG: No (sniffs)

Queen of Hearts: I promise I’ll take it seriously. Wait, the flier says this starts on Wednesday, that’s in two days… wh… where did you get this anyways?

Panda OG: I saw something on instagram a few days back about a sanctum run by the last surviving members of the Yeti clan. It’s for self discovery, ethereal spa-treatments;no idea what that could even mean, and counselling…

Queen of Hearts: Wow, exotic…

Panda OG: yeah, and one of them’s a guru apparently. I didn’t think much of it, then yesterday, when I went to get us coffee, I saw a flier at the coffee place and just grabbed one

I guess I sorta got the vibe that you would try to take my life

Queen of Hearts: (giggles)

Panda OG: (puzzled)

Queen of Hearts: sorry. okay , this is exciting, we are actually looking for adult solutions, it feels weird, but a good weird

Panda OG: I know right

Queen of Hearts: yeah, so I will start taking a look at flights…

Panda OG: actually…

Queen of Hearts: actually?

Panda OG: I was thinking we could probably do a roadtrip, get a van with a roof that comes off, get a glimpse of the stars at night, you know, start our own spiritual awakening before the Yeti fixes us, what do you think?

Queen of Hearts: that…. sounds…. so romantic, yes!

Panda OG: great! Okay so it's a full day’s drive, if we leave early tomorrow morning, we can probably make it there by Wednesday afternoon; give or take a couple of breaks here and there to take in the sights and have a full road trip experience

Queen of Hearts: okay okay… uhh.. I’ll start making snacks and we need to get some supplies for the drive. But don’t worry, you just get  the van and I will sort out the rest. Have you eaten?

Panda OG: No

Queen of Hearts: Are you hungry?

Panda OG: Yeah

Queen of Hearts: Do you want some tomato and chicken soup?

Panda OG: yes please, and …

Queen of Hearts: Let me guess, with apple juice?

Panda OG: (nods)

Queen of Hearts: Of course. (hesitant) where is the canned tomato from yesterday, th..tha…that’s the last one in the apartment…

Panda OG: It’s over by the window at the almost crime scene…

 

Queen walks over to the large window at the west side of the apartment and picks up the can. She notices a scratch on the window.

 

Queen of Hearts: Babe!

Panda OG: yeah, seen it?

Queen of Hearts: yeah, no, I.. there’s a scratch on the window, I watch the sunset from that window almost everyday and I haven’t noticed that before. Is it safe to leave that? Do you know anything about it?

Panda OG: I’m sure it’s fine… must have been the can or something

Queen of Hearts: but I didn’t miss

Panda OG: oh I know, maybe it bounced off or something… can you just make the soup? I’m really hungry

Queen of Hearts: alright, alright

 

The night passed with zero drama, their relationship was on the cusp of peak maturity and they both felt it as they ate soup and cuddled on the couch and caught up with the news of the baby killing priest after the van was delivered to the parking lot. There was still no real update or further development from the little Queen had heard on the radio during her drive back into time. They both came up with a few conspiracy theories as to why the mother wasn’t too upset. Queen, of course, argued it was the mother’s way of accepting her fate and Dios’ divine will for her life, destiny. Panda OG argued that the priest was the real father; that his hands crumbling under the fear of being discovered by the church let the child slip through them. He was on a lot of painkillers.

Queen woke up very early the next day- Tuesday- and made a sandwich basket, she made potato salad, packed crisps and lots of apple juice.  They set out on their journey en route to spiritual awakening at 7am,  giddy in anticipation of the adventure that was ahead of them.

 

Queen of Hearts: Wow, I can’t believe we’re actually doing this

Panda OG: I know it was my idea, but I actually can’t believe it either, but it’ll be good, I know it will

Queen of Hearts: yeah, what route are you taking?

Panda OG: 420, lots of sights along the way

Queen of Hearts: yeah, wanna listen to some music?

Panda OG: Matt Maeson?

Queen of Hearts: you know it!

 

Mile 420 had a lot of sights from the Mile 100- 300 range, there isn’t much to look at before or after that range. Panda and Queen sped through the first 80 miles, listening to the masterpiece that is Matt Maeson’s Bank on the Funeral album on repeat.

 

Queen of Hearts: I swear, this might be the greatest album of the 20th century

Panda OG: (excitedly) Okay, there’s a bit of cap there but I’ll allow it.

 

Panda OG spots the unknown lemon walking down the highway with a thumb out and slows down, as the van pulls slowly by his left side almost to a halt, the unknown lemon recognizes Queen of Hearts.

 

Unknown Lemon: Hey! You bitch!

Panda OG: What did he say?!

 

Panda pulls over, jumps out of the van, charges towards the lemon and starts kicking him.

 

Unknown Lemon:(coughing) Oh God! Not again

Queen of Hearts: yeah, you bust his citrus ass!

 

 

 

 

 

… to be continued.